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Life Advice: What To Do When Your Ex Has A Baby

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So, what the hell do when your ex has a baby? You don’t even care because you’re totally over that sh*t, OK?  Breaking up sucks. Being dumped sucks even harder. But when your ex moves on before you? The actual WORST. At first you stalk this new you, taking the p*ss out of her Facebook pics. You judge her and you judge yourself. Fuck her! Fuck him! You’re fine. Wine please! But deep down, you’re not really fine. Not at all. You’re sad and lonely and miserable and bitter. You convince yourself it won’t last. He’ll realise that actually, you’re his lobster and he’ll be back at your door, like yesterday, begging for forgiveness on his knees. Just like everyone said he would. Not that you want him back, of course. But that doesn’t happen. You start hearing through mutual friends that they’ve moved in together. You accidentally on purpose see from his sister’s facebook account that they’re engaged. You cry a lot. You analyse the wedding pictures and notice how fat her arms are (and then feel bad because it’s really not her fault). And then the B-bomb drops. You’ve been dreading this for a while now. This innocent little baba becomes the literal spawn of Satan – a symbol of everything that you don’t have. A reminder of the hurt you feel, those lost years you wasted with The One who wasn’t The One at all. You boldly announce to your pals that you’re shunning social media because HELLO, only losers live their lives through a screen … only to find yourself drunkenly weeping on the night bus as you scroll through pictures of his glorious new Insta-perfect life and wishing, wishing, wishing it was you. Hold up, missy. You’re better than this. Don’t you remember all the times when you said you were over it and DID mean it? All the times you realised he actually was a giant douche canoe? That you are actually a million times better off, actually? Stop looking for ways to upset yourself. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Yes, you were together for years, but so were Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman and look at how that ended up… Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and the way to happiness is not constantly slagging off your ex-boyfriend’s new wife’s face. It ain’t big or clever. And although it can sometimes make you feel better for a microsecond, it ain’t pretty either. So quit it. Instead of burying your face in a screen and your head in the past, be gracious. Be a grown up. Douse yourself in Chanel No 5 and move on. And if all else fails Remember how crap he was in bed. High-five yourself for all the stupendously brilliant things you’ve done since you broke up. And then go shopping. Hard.
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