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THE LAZY GIRL’S GUIDE TO RUNNING A HALF MARATHON

jogging woman
FAT CHANCE: THE LAZY GIRL’S GUIDE TO RUNNING A HALF MARATHON Last Christmas I got very drunk and accidentally signed up for a half marathon. And? So what? People do half marathons all the time. People do full marathons all the time. People swim to fucking France and live to tell the tale all the time. This shouldn’t be a big deal. Here’s the but – and mine’s a big one… The last time I exercised was in July 2015. I’m about 19 stone heavier than usual thanks to my Christmas diet of prosecco and lard. I’m a dirty, dirty smoker and my hobbies are Doritos and lying down. In short, I’m not in the greatest physical shape right now, and I can’t actually remember the last time I moved anywhere without the help of an Uber. Sh*t. I did think about binning it off, but a) I’m really stubborn and b) I’ve already told everyone that I’m doing it. Plus, I’m 33 and I have an arse like a bag of porridge, so it’s time for me to do something about It. I’m going to make a Real Life Effort and give this run a proper crack. Plus I’ve completed Netflix so l don’t have much else going on right now. D-Day is May 8th and each week I’ll post my progress here. My honest, actual progress. If I only run 10 metres because I drank 80 pints of wine, I’ll tell you. If I manage to get past a kilometre with my knackered old lungs, I’ll tell you. And if I see loads of hot single male joggers, I’ll tell you where I saw them, so you can start running too. 15 weeks. 13.1 miles. Wish me luck! I’m going to need it. AJ x

I smoke too much, I drink too much and I’m a lazy 33-year-old shitbag. This is my honest training diary…

Week one // 15 weeks to go…

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail, right? So I need to get into the runner’s mindset first. I’ve written a list of things I need to buy, because actually if I’m going to be running all the time, I need to look and feel amazing. New sneaks – check. Kale and chia seeds – check. Have remembered where my gym is – check! Music really helps with exercise too, so I’ve made a brilliant running playlist. I’ve gone for a diverse and upbeat selection that includes Katy Perry, some really bad 90s piano dance and Metallica. This will definitely motivate me as I pound the pavements in my quest for a smaller arse. I’m super pleased with all the hard work I’ve done this week which means I’m prepped and ready to go. Well, I’m ready to start researching how you actually run 13.1 miles without dying, anyway. The training plan I’ve downloaded says that you need to be able to comfortably run 5k. I can’t comfortably run for 5 minutes. Fuck. Maybe if I do loads of walking this week, I can do the running bit of the training next week. I don’t want to get an injury or anything. Slow and steady wins the race, right? God I’m good at this. MY WEEK IN NUMBERS
  • Hours spent making playlist instead of running: 5
  • Miles run: 0
  • Menthol Vogues smoked: 48
  • Weight lost: 0lbs
  • Wines consumed: 15 gallons, as I went to Paris for lunch and it’s the law to drink all the wine when you’re in Paris.
  • How I’m feeling: SO READY FOR THIS
spongebob get fit
AJ xx
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